Change Your Response—Change Your Life
By Linda Hill, CH
What do we do when we feel uncomfortable emotions? Most of us join a “club” to alleviate this discomfort. Here’s what I mean: Something like an argument with someone important to us brings up feelings such as frustration, disappointment, sadness or anger. Rather than deal with these uncomfortable feelings, we tend to seek distraction to avoid the pain. I refer to these distractions as “clubs.” Clubs can include over-eating; drinking, gambling, or smoking; shopping to excess; working too many hours; over-exercising; on-line addictions, seeking out drama; or obsessing over a cause, activities or other people’s lives and problems, to name just a few.
“Going clubbing” works, at least in the short term. We’ve managed to ignore what we were really feeling and have turned our attention to what we’ve now become familiar with – disappointing our partner, feeling fat, hung-over, broke, exhausted and guilty or any number of counter-productive feelings. Now we’re in a vicious cycle of dealing with the symptoms and the problems that they cause for us and our life, rather than dealing with what’s really going on. This leaves us feeling powerless in our ability to put an end to this behavior and create the changes that we seek.
So, why bother, right? Wrong. There are solutions to every challenge that we face. Below is just one the many activities I recommend you try to help with breaking that frustrating pattern of reacting unproductively to experiences in your life.
Prepare in advance. Get out a piece of paper and see if you can provide two or three answers to each of these questions:
- What triggers in my life cause uncomfortable feelings for me? (Arguments, perceived criticism, being alone, etc.)
- How do I react to these uncomfortable feelings? (What club do you belong to?)
- What alternative reactions might be possible for me? (Breathe deeply; go for a walk; call a friend, etc.)
- How would I feel if I used these healthier alternatives? (Calm; safe; empowered; relieved, etc.)
S.B.I.D. As soon as an uncomfortable or negative feeling comes up, STOP whatever you are doing, take several continuous deep BREATHS, and IDENTIFY what you are feeling. Once you understand what’s really happening to make you feel this way, DECIDE what you want to do about it. Keep in mind that removing yourself from the environment where this trigger took place gives you the emotional space to identify and deal with these feelings. If leaving the scene is not an option, you can still utilize the S.B.I.D. activity to achieve a calm state of mind.
Write it down. Create an event log to keep track of your feelings and what you decide to do about it. Look for patterns. Perhaps you’re able to make good choices during the day but find you’re more vulnerable to going clubbing later on in the day. If your life is overly busy and this activity feels overwhelming, you can keep this log by your bedside and jot down the days events prior to going to sleep.
Here's an example:
Thurs, 9 am: Trigger: Boss criticized my work Feelings: Rejected, unworthy, afraid Typical Response: Stuff feelings w/food Healthy Response: Took a walk and breathed deeply
Thurs, 7 pm: Trigger: Argued with spouse over bills Feelings:Resentful, frustrated, unheard Typical Response: Storm off, “check out” online Healthy Response: Expressed my concerns in a productive way
Once you have skills in place to meet life’s challenges, you can break free from counterproductive “club” behavior. Adopting effective tools to help identify and move through uncomfortable feelings empowers you to create the changes that you seek. Remember, you and your feelings matter. Take good care of yourself and your needs, so that you have the emotional reserve to respond to life’s challenges from a strong and centered place.
Linda Hill joined Triangle Acupuncture Clinic in January from Southern California, where she ran a successful hypnotherapy practice for 10 over years, helping hundreds of clients shift out of perceptions and experiences that have caused needless suffering and evolve into more fulfilling and satisfying lives. We are excited to announce that Linda is now available to see clients in our Chapel Hill location, for more information or to schedule an appointment with Linda please call 858-539-3898.